Today the post above appeared as one of my Facebook memories. What might seem to be a joyful reminder stirred up feelings of sadness, loss, and grief I haven’t experienced in a while.  The first year after my mom passed I could remember and almost experience every single detail about this day, some of the days preceding, and the days that followed.

Leading up to this day, I noticed some things just weren’t quite right with my mom, but I didn’t know what. She lost her balance while we were on a bike ride the beginning of the week, one night she had dinner ready at 4:30pm, but the next night at 6:00pm she hadn’t even started anything, and the day of this post she wanted to go with me and my nephew to pick up my niece from school. When I went to tell mom it was time to go, it seemed as if she were lost in the computer. She didn’t acknowledge my presence, and it took awhile for her to respond. When she did, she said to go without her. Again, not normal behavior for my mom. She generally dropped everything or at least acknowledged our presence when we walked in a room, and she wouldn’t miss out on doing something with her grandchildren. 

The next day at lunch with my dad only, I mentioned some of my concerns. He shared some of his. One of his concerns was that about fifteen minutes after I left with my nephew the day before, my mom grabbed her keys and headed towards the door. When my dad asked where she was going, she said she was going to pick up my niece. My dad reminded her that I had already left to pick her up. With our combined stories, we definitely knew something wasn’t right and called the doctor’s office. We were instructed to take her to the ER right away. 

I wasn’t expecting the MRI that night to reveal spots in three different areas of her brain, one being the brain stem, and ten days later for her to be diagnosed with glioblastoma (a form of brain cancer) and less than two months later for her to not be in this world with us anymore. The world as our family knew it drastically changed, and this memory reminded me of that change. 

Decisions had to be made about future planned events. Sometimes those were made ahead of time and sometimes they were made at the last minutes, as none of us knew how the journey would unfold. I missed a friend’s wedding, where I was to have the honor of being a bridesmaid. I delayed my return to Guatemala until the next year. Many other plans and things changed within our family. My mom passed less than two weeks before Thanksgiving. That first Thanksgiving, missed birthday on December 2nd, and Christmas were hard, unlike anything I experienced before.

So why were all these memories and emotions flooding my mind again this morning? I had to take some time to think about it. Then it dawned on me. Much like how my world seemed to be turned upside down in 2014, the world has been turned upside down in 2020 with the COVID-19 pandemic and more. Why wouldn’t the loss, the missed events, and more of this year trigger memories of loss from the past? I know families that have lost more than one loved one with COVID-19. That wasn’t in their plans for this year. A family trip we had all been looking forward to was cancelled, and we don’t know what a future one looks like, or if it will take place at all. My normal travel to and from the US or within Guatemala has been dramatically altered, with some strict curfews and limits at times. The Guatemalan borders just opened today, but we are still waiting to see how that all works out and if I’ll now suddenly have to leave the country. When I do, things will be different in the US, and new requirements are in place for returning to Guatemala. 

Again, why wouldn’t I have a wave of emotions on seeing that post since 2020 has brought its own kind of loss, grief, and struggles?  Life seems to have drastically changed. I miss some of the things that used to be, just as I miss my mom. 

The wave of grief in remembering the passing of my mom reminded me of the need to remember to be honest and grieve the losses of 2020 as well: the loss of ministry opportunities, visits with friends and family, a fun family trip, the loss of friend’s loved ones due to COVID, and more.

Once I was honest with myself and the loss, I could also be thankful for the good things, unexpected things, the things that might be easy to miss or take for granted if I’m only looking at what no longer is. For example, when have I ever spent an entire summer talking to my niece and nephew, reading books, and playing games multiple times a week, not to mention the few online slumber parties? Cancelling some of our ministry plans gave some time and place to get some things in order and hear from God for creative ways to move forward. I’ve made some new connections online that are helping me grow in different ways. Not being able to travel as much is helping me to slow down and wait. 

So yes, the Facebook post stirred up all kinds of emotions, but by taking some time to acknowledge them, I can now look on that same post with a smile because I know that I do not walk alone. My mom may not be visible on this earth, but she is not lost. She is part of the great cloud of witnesses cheering me on, as she always did. And today, when I feel scared, uncertain, or afraid of what to do or what the future holds, I do not walk alone. I am known and loved by the God who sees and who cares. My life and time are in His hands and nothing on this earth can take that away. He will direct my steps as I continue to look to Him. He does not change.